Britney Spears has regained some limited visitation rights with her children. According to TMZ, both her lawyers and K-fed's have brokered a deal for Britney to see the kids.

The kids can visit with momma, provided Jamie Spears and her psychiatrist are present. There are other strings, but at a minimum Jamie and the shrink are required.

Really, does anybody care what happens with Britney anymore? I mean, am ready to move on to Jamie Lynn.

Here's a video clip of Kevin Federline supposedly driving his kids home from Britney's house after her standoff last night. Are we sure Britney wasn't driving? Those look like her road skills. Obviously K-Fed was trying to keep the photographers from getting a shot. But seriously they're both assholes. Who drives like that with their kids in the car? And what kind of jerkoff photographer would drive up K-Fed's ass and to try and snap pictures of his kids in a moving vehicle. Britney's probably insane and K-Fed's probably borderline retarded, but how about keeping the kids alive.

A L.A. judge has suspended Britney Spears visitation rights because she has not complied with court orders. The court records did not state the specific reason, but leave it to TMZ to dig that morsal up. Apparently Britney failed to provide the court with adequate contact information so they could track her down for random drug test. Hum, how convenient. You think if Britney really wanted to see her kids she could have summoned the capacity to regurgitate her damn phone number. Really, though, what's the problem. All they have to do is show up at the local Starbucks, detach the intravenous Carmel Macchiato drip and draw a little blood. It won't require even a bit of effort on Britney's part, you know, just like raising her kids.

Photo: Wenn

Today's wild rumors of the FBI investigating a Federline murder plot turn out to be false. TMZ reports that the LAPD did investigate death threats against Federline months ago, but there was no FBI investigation into any such threats. Seriously, who would bother? K-Fed's like that kid on your street you used to pick on for fun. You ridicule the hell out of him, but in the end you actual wanted him to keep hanging around, so that when you were really bored you'd have a moving target to through frozen waterballons at.

Photo: wenn.com

Kevin Federline has reportedly filed for primary 'physical' custody of Britney Spears' kids. People reports that papers were filed yesterday by Federline's lawyer. If I were Kevin Federline and wanted to prove that Britney was an unfit mother to Sean Preston and Jayden James I'd probably hire me up a slick P.I. to dig up some photos. Stuff like Britney topless in swimming pools with strangers. Or doing crazy stuff like attacking cars with umbrellas. Or Britney driving around with her kid on her lap. You know, bad stuff like that. Man, that'd be a lock. If he could just find someone sleazy enough to get all those photos. Hmm.

K-Fed's Nationwide Superbowl commercial is out there. Nationwide Insurance has posted a teaser for the commercial on their site. Now that I've seen the commercial it gives me one less thing for to worry about seeing on Superbowl Sunday and I can now squarely focus my attention on yelling at my television for three straight hours. As retarded as Kevin Federline may seem you still have to consider that the Superbowl wanted nothing to do with Britney Spears. Although see as how the Superbowl booked Prince as the half-time show that isn't saying much.

Why anyone in the world would want their product or service assocated with Kevin Federline is beyond me. Nationwide Insurance is using Kevin Federline in a superbowl commercial where they depict him as a fast food worker daydreaming about becoming a rapper.

A rep for the National Restaurant Association has this to say:

A sudden change in Federline's career could have been depicted with him holding an unemployment benefit check," she says. "It shouldn't be necessary for a company to disrespect others to get its point across. ...It's a negative, unfair and inaccurate reflection. - Source

Don't these ad execs know having Kevin Federline working as a fry cook is about as believable as having a monkey cure cancer. Either way you've got someone jumping on your counters and throwing poo.

A clip of K-Fed rapping for the commercial is below, because I'm sure anyone with an IQ over 35 would demand proof that this could actually be for real.

Kevin Federline has 'beaten' WWE wrestler John Cena in a Jan 1st grudge match. I posted on this ridiculous crap before. Apparently K-Fed got some help from a 350-pound wrestler named Umaga. Umaga really sounds like a guy that would eat K-Fed in the ring and then crap him into a bucket in the corner between rounds - which is pretty much what I had hoped would happen, because that would have made the New Year bright and shiny. Kind of like this picture of Aria Giovanni. Click it, because it's not K-Fed.

Source.

Kevin Federline is going to 'fight' WWE chamption John Cena on New Year's Day in Miami. K-Fed said at a recent appearance:

"Oh yeah, Cena, my name is not K-Fed, it's Kevin Federline, bitch, and I want some and I'm gonna get some."

It does sounds like scary trash talk, but it gets even scarier if you consider that Keven Federline probably thinks WWE wrestling is real and 'get some' refers to Miami gay sex. I plan on taking a bit of time out of my holiday festivities to click my heals twice and wish upon a shooting star that WWE wrestling magically becomes real and KFed gets broken in half on New Year's day. Literally, into two pieces, because that would be pay-per-view worth watching.

Source.

Kevin Federline is now saying (through his attorney) that there he and Britney Spears did not make a Honeymoon sex tape. And that rumors of K-Fed selling the tape for millions of dollars are completely false. Damnit. I really hope this story is the false one and that there is a Spears K-Fed blowjob fest. Because it's clear that Paris Hilton is slacking big time seeing as how she hasn't pumped out a sex tape in months. I had wondered how K-Fed throught he was going to fight for custody of his kids while he was selling sex tapes from the back of a van down by the river. Something tells me those two don't mix, unless maybe you live in Kazahkstan.
Source.

A few days ago a clip of a supposed Britney Spears sex tape made it's way onto Pornotube.com, a sex video sharing site. The blowjob clip looked like it could a fake. But British tabloid The Sun is reporting that indeed there is a Britney Spears Kevin Federline sex tape. The honeymoon video is said to be four hours long and KFed is supposedly trying to sell it for millions. After watching the Spears Pornotube clip I was doubtful that it was really Britney doing the blowing, but in light of more sex tape rumors it's starting to look like there may really be a Spears KFed sex video. And if the video is real, can it top the infamous One Night in Paris sex tape?

It's been a while since we had a celebrity sex tape scandal. Just a day after Britney Spears files for divorce the net is buzzing with word of a Britney Spears sex tape with Kevin Federline. The short video is off a blowjob and has been posted here on PornoTube.com. I'll admit the girl giving the blowjob looks a bit like Britney, but I'm crying fake. All you really see is dick, and who the hell wants to see Kevin Federline's dick anyway. The video has even been branded with a Britney K-Fed sex tape logo, which I can assume is a pretty good way of insuring some form of lawsuit - unless of course the sex tape is real. In which case my vote for best celebrity blowjob still goes to Paris Hilton. And, if that isn't enough BJ action for you check out Chloe Sevigny giving Vincent Gallo a blowjob in The Brown Bunny. The real deal on film. It's a blowjob extravaganza!

You knew this day would come. It was just a matter of when. People.com and TMZ are reporting that Britney Spears has filed for divorce from Kevin Federline. I guess she got tired of trying to raise a third kid. Britney also popped into the David Letterman show last night. And looked pretty damn good all things considered. Perhaps that was just a pre divorce tease. You've got to figure that if she wants anything resembling a career back she's got to shed that hillbilly image. And staring with divorcing Kevin Federline can only help. I know that this photo of Britney has nothing to do with her getting a divorce, but she's naked, so really that makes the most sense don't you think.

News has come out that Britney Spears latest offspring's real name is Jayden James Federline and not Sutton Piere Federline. What the hell is with these celebrities, who the hell cares and why the hell are you tricking people with the names of your kids. And if you're going to make something up at least have some fun with it. Sutton Pierce - that sucks. Take a page out of Gwyneth Paltrow's book and name your kid after some fruit, or a vegetable. Kumquat Lowmein has a nice ring it to. BTW This smokin how picture of Sofia Vergara's ass is provided because no one really want to look at picture of Britney's baby.

I'm well aware this photo is not of K-Fed, but I wanted to post about his Virgin Mobile Save the Penny appearance, but just couldn't bring myself to make my readers look at the dumbass. So here's a photo of hot supermodel Caprice Bourret. Now the story. Kevin Federline recently appeared in Time Square to help promote Virgin Mobile and a campaign to keep the penny in circulation. Let met quote the grand wizard:

"I'm here with Virgin Mobile to bring the power back to the penny! I feel good about the penny!

I think Kevin's love of the penny has more to do with it being a round and shinny object - and that fact that before Britney he measured his net worth (as well as recorded sales) in pennies as opposed to dollars.

For the love of God will Britney Spears please sew her knees together or divorce Kevin Federline. I'm not one to judge a book by it's cover - oh wait, yeah I am - K-Fed 'appears' to be a complete idiot and unfit to raise himself, let alone two small children, wait, Britney, make that three. Whatever. It's just a crazy idea that these people are trusted to raise kids of any life form. FYI - Us Magazine is breaking the story and I'm sure has many of the more 'important' details about Britney's second pregnancy. But the greatest thing in all of these is that we can look forward to more nude Britney vagina statue's like this.

I know Thomas Dobly is old ass stuff, but I dug his stuff. Now K-Fed has sampled Dolby's stuff without permission and Thomas Dolby has blasted back. Here's a long quote from Yahoo music to spells out the deal and provides yet more proof that K-Fed is a retard:

"Britney Spears’ husband Kevin Federline, whom I’d never heard of until a few days ago, appears to have illegally sampled one of my compositions. On his MySpace site you can download an MP3 which uses a looped sample from Mobb Deep’s ‘Get It Twisted’, which in turn copped the string line from my own song 'She Blinded Me With Science.' Now, Mobb Deep did it the right way and had his label BMG come and ask for a license. They paid me a fee and a royalty on the sales of Mobb Deep’s record. However K-Fed, as his fans affectionately refer to him, did NOT ask permission, he just went ahead and did it. He is therefore blatantly violating the copyright law. And laws aside, he owed it to me as an artist to ask if I minded that he recorded a vitriolic rap over the top of my music. It starts off 'This is for the HATERS...' and goes on to blast the media, paparrazzi and all his other critics, sparing no expletives along the way. BMG Records have also had their copyright violated, as they own the master to Mobb Deep’s record. But BMG don't want to rock the Britney boat so they are turning a blind eye. It’s pathetic! Turns out K-Fed has no management, label or lawyer, so it’s going to be hard getting hold of him. So K-Fed, if you’re reading this, I’m asking you nicely to take the track down ASAP. Or maybe you’d prefer me to come after some of your wife's ill-gotten gains?"

I really love Dolby line about coming after 'your wife's ill-gotten gains'. So sweet. I hope Dolby takes em to the cleaners.

Oh let's count the ways that Kevin Federline sucks. The Superficial ran a post today with a clip of his of in the recording studio looking like a freaking moron jamming like a retarded monkey to his song PopoZao. It's a YouTube.com clip so I've included it here (all credit the the almight Superficial.com for bringing it our celebrity crunching attention). Enjoy Kevin Federline's PoPoZao song. Try not to vomit.


File under Kevin Federline.

Britney's boobs are carrying an AK-47 - really. What the hell does Britney Spears shirt mean? Check the link, you'll see is a freakin turtle with an AK-47. The shirt makes as much sense as her procreating with Kevin Federline, or the thought of Patrick Swayze rapping. Either one makes you want to vomit.

I've been reading posts today about Patrick Swayze trying his hand a rapping. I'd like to hear Patrick Swazye rap about as much as having an arrow shot through both my ears. Is this a joke? I guess if K-fed can rap anybody can. But you know, you've really got to hand it to Patrick Swayze, like the saying goes, "try, try again". That whole acting thing really didn't pan out so he's given it the college try and moving on to rapping. Let's just pray he's better at rapping than acting.

File under Patrick Swayze Raps.

In an attempt to prove to the world that he is not what the media portrays - a white trash, hillbilly, lazy ass, free loading, no talent idiot - Kevin Federline has launched a website of his own. The gay Flash intro pokes fun at all the Britney / Federline break up rumors and tabloids then tell us that everything we hear isn't true and we shouldn't judge a book by it's cover. So as not to misrepresent poor Kevin I will quote from the official Federline website:

I don't think we've ever been formally introduced. My name is Kevin Federline. I'm 6 feet tall, have brown hair and brown eyes. I enjoy horseback riding, long walks on the beach and the wind whipping through my hair....there's going to be a lot more information and updates on here in the coming weeks and I think this will provide you with the opportunity to get to know who I really am.

And if you're really desperate to learn about a celebrity that shouldn't be one, you can even visit him on MySpace, where is has no friends. I think we should judge a book by it's cover and believe all the rumors. People who go to these lengths to try and fight in image or media story are usually trying to hide something, like the fact that he might indeed be a complete no-talent idiot. And I'll let you draw your own conclusions about Britney's sex tape lawsuit.

File under Kevin Federline's a nerd, Bad Web sites.

Sorry to cast a dark shadow on the holiday season, but it seems there is no Britney Spears Sex Tape. Britney Spears has called out the dogs in response to recent reports that a Pam and Tommy style sex tape existed. The suit has been filed against US Weekly for their coverage of the X-rated video story. Perhaps this is Britney's ploy to strike back after more recent gossip articles on the state of her marriage to Kevin Federline. The tabs have had a field day with stories about K-Fed being kicked out of the house and having his Ferrari taken back. Even funnier has been Britney's fans reaction to the K-Fed feud, which promoted a Divorce Kevin web site, which is probably funnier than any Britney Spears sex tape could even be, if there were one.

File under No Britney Spears Sex Tape.

You know you're already screwed just being Kevin Federline. The bad hair, your wife taking away your Ferrari, you can sing, etc… But when Britney Spears fans put up a DivorceKevin.com web site you know your just f-ked. It appears Britney Spears fans have had enough of Kevin's antics and have gone to the trouble to put a web site where you can actually sign a petition to lobby for Kevin and Britney's divorce. Sweet. Now that's love.

File under DivorceKevin.com.

If you're fighting off a tape worm, or trying to cleanse yourself of the bird flu I've got the perfect anecdote. Download Kevin Federline's new rap song. K-Fed's new rap was leaked to the net, and though removed from the original site K-Feds new song is still out there. One listen had me vomiting and put me into a nice seizure, not to mention the gooey substance leaking from my ears. K-Fed's new song is also getting him compared to Vanilla Ice, but I think that's kind of mean - to Vanilla Ice. Federline should stick to playing golf while Britney takes care of the kids. And definitely leave the semi-singing to Britney. Poor K-Fed.

File under K-Fed Song, Kevin Federline Can't Rap.

Britney Spears and her oldest child, Kevin Federline, have come out of baby seclusion to do things normal people do. LIke eat. Britney and her twins looked no worse for the wear. There are handful of post-pregnant Britney Spears photos out and about. We purposely chose a photo that did not have Kevin Federline and his cornrows so as not to inflict a condition on our viewers worse than the bird flu. Unconfirmed reports indicate that exclusive pictures of Sean Preston Spears Federline has been secured by People magazine in the midst of a bidding war for Britney's baby photos. We'll have to wait and see on this one.

File under Britney Spears.

Here's a few halloween costume ideas we'd like to pass on in the name of celebrity fashion. We've hand picked the best halloween costume ideas based on such superficial attributes as star power, wealth, weight, degree of general annoyance and overall stupidity. Here we go with our celebrity costume run down for Halloween 2005:

The Crunch suggests that:

Paris Hilton dress up as Nicole Richie, then Nicole wears a Tara Reid costume, and Tara Reid dresses up like the hobo on my corner, oh wait, that's not a costume.

Kevin Federline might want to pull up his pants, stop playing golf and dress like a respectable dad. This halloween we've love to see Donatella Versace put ON a mask, of any form, and STOP scaring people. Jennifer Garner makes the obvious best pumpkin, unless she's popped by Halloween.

And I reverse my earlier pick of Nicole Richie going as Tara Reid and just say that Nicole quickly put on a few pounds so she can go as a broom stick. If Paris want's to ride her I'd pay 5 bucks to watch. And really, if Paris HIlton could just put on any form of clothing it would be like wearing a costume.

For this Halloween's biggest scare we can only hope that the we can see the Britney Spears sex tape. We've already had the frightful sneak peak with Janet Jackson sunbathing nude playing butt bongo, so we're geared up for a bigger Britney and Kevin scarefest.

And for the this years most perfect Halloween costume idea, let me present Lindsay Lohan as a crash test dummy. As for me I've spent my life savings on all of Britney's clothes and nasty sandals from the auction and will be dressing up as Britney Spears.

File under Britney Spears, Halloween Costumes.

File this one under things you don't want your kids to see. Reports are coming in that Britney Spears is concerned over a sex tape of her and dirty husband Kevin Federline. Apparently a member of Britney Spears team copied the personal home sex video and is threatening to release it. The sex footage is supposed to be a pre-bump Britney. So the world might finally see a Britney and Kevin sex tape. Britney Spears is reportedly concerned. You never know, the reports of the stolen tape could be false, as could this whole story (we only comment on the stuff folks, not report it) but you really tip your hand when it comes to sex tapes if you start freaking out when someone says they have one. See, even if they don't, and you throw the big freak, it pretty much confirms that you've probably made a sex tape, and didn't keep very good track of it (I keep my tapes hidden right behind the pop tarts, never had a problem). And I'd go so far as to say you probably made several home sex tapes and didn't keep an eye on them. It's just my guess, but I'd say this could be the case when it comes to a Britney and Kevin's sex video. Again, assuming a tape exists. Until then you can always look at Janet Jackson's hidden nude tape.

File under Britney Spears, Kevin Federline, Britney Spears Sex Tape, Celebrity Sex Tapes.

Britney Spears gave birth to a boy and is 'ecstatic'. Have you every really heard of someone saying, "yeah, I just gave birth and it sucks". It's really not news when Britney is ecstatic. Though I'm typing this crap so maybe it is. Even better news if you really idolize Britney and her baby is that her perfume Fantasy hits stores today. No word on whether or not is has the Federline odure. Click below to order.

Britney Spears Fantasy Perfume

It's now official news and no longer gossip. Major news wires have reported that Britney Spears has given birth to a baby boy at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles, via c-section. Father Kevin Federline was needlessly present, oops, I mean obviously present for the big Britney baby event. In my head I see Kevin holding a bag of cheetos waiting to nourish little Preston on the way out. Though also in my head is a empty bottle or Merlot, which problem explains any fascination for this news. Reports are that the Britney's baby will be named Preston, though there has also been talk of naming the Spears baby London. So perhaps it will be London Preston Spears Federline Cheetoh head. Or whatever the voodoo gods of the Kabbalah deem appropriate. Congrats to both, now maybe Kevin will take a f'ing shower and shave.

We interupt our compeling coverage of Fashion Week to bring you Britney Spears baby information. God only knows if this gossip is accurate, but it makes for good traffic. Britney Spears is reportedly giving birth by c-section to her baby at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles. Don't yell at us if we're wrong about Britney's baby, cause we usually are in generally. But news about Britney Spears giving birth is high on everyone's need to make their life feel complete list, so we thought we'd pass along some the unsubstantiated Britney baby info. As for photos of Britney Spears baby we're still fine tuning our upskirt hospital operating room cam. Be pateint. Stay tuned and someone try and dig up Kevin Federline for the big event.

File under Britney Spears Baby.

Britney Spears has announced the she will name her baby London Preston Spears. This in honor of the place where she met Kevin Federline. Her original pick for a baby name was Sean Preston. But now she likes London better. Personally I think the first name is 'Disa' is much better. Kind of like Diva, but not. And it's sounds so nice with Spears. Disa Spears. Nice eh.

File under Baby London Preston Spears.

The gossip coming from MSNBC is that Britney Spears is having a baby boy. Apparently some marginally observant people reported her shopping for a ton of boy stuff in Beverly Hills. Now we'll have to wait and see what a half-human half-Federline baby boy looks like. Reports have stirred for months whether or not Britney was having twins, now perhaps two boys. Stir that pot for a while.

Britney Spears (and her belly's) appearance at the premiere of Johnny Depp's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory may have melted Depps delusional spotlight. Britney showed up wearing a t-shirt with the slogan "I have the Golden Ticket" and an arrow pointing downward on her belly. Husband and father-to-be Kevin Federline was in tow.

It's easy to see how Depp could be upstaged. Britney's twins could stop traffic anywhere (we're talking boobs here). The mother-to-be is supposed to be giving birth late September at Scottsdale Shea Hospital, in Scottsdale Arizona. The gossip is that she's booked a luxurious second-floor private room. And even booked the rooms on either side. FYI, as of last week the hospital knew nothing of this scuttle. And I can also tell you, from first hand experience - all the room are on the second floor, and all the rooms are private. Britney's not getting anything special folks.

Look for Britney's pregnant belly on the season finale of Chaotic and her new video I Will Understand. And just a guess, but I think this may be the SERIES finale as well. Too bad.